Unburdened Exiles: How to Check in

Unburdening exiles through Internal Family Systems therapy is a transformative process. Following this deep work it is crucial we support your whole internal system to safely adapt to this change. Using a daily check-in to stay Connected with the unburdened part helps it to settle into it’s new relationship with you. The unburdening process involves witnessing & retrieving the exile before helping it to release whatever burden (beliefs and emotions) it has been carrying as a result of past experiences. If you become aware of an exile between your therapy sessions it is safest to wait until your next session where you can be supported to connect with it & ultimately offer it healing.

Purpose of the check in

Checking in with an exile after an unburdening involves closing your eyes, going inside and checking how the part is doing. The purpose of the check-in is to make sure the part is still doing well and to reinforce the work that was done during the therapy session. The check-ins also help with strengthening the relationship between your Self and the part. It gives the part the important experience of knowing that someone is there for them and cares for them, perhaps in ways that they haven't experienced before.

It’s important to check in with the part, every day, for 21 days. A short (2 minute) & simple practice that works for you, makes it possible for you to follow through consistently. Using the Parts Companion meditations can be a great way of supporting this process.

Check-in steps

Go inside

Sit or lay down somewhere comfortable and close your eyes. See if you can return back to the scene where you left the exile. Normally this is a safe place that the exile chose for themselves, either real or imaginary. If you're not visual, you can use conscious touch to connect with the exile, such as your hand on your heart. Alternatively you can also see if you sense the exile’s presence somewhere in your body or around you.

Check for Self energy

When you see or sense the exile, check how you're feeling towards them. If there are other parts present, ask them to give you some space. The goal is to have some Self energy present before you connect with the part. Self energy often takes the form of feeling Compassionate, Connected or Curious towards the exile.

Spend time with the part

Once you feel some Self energy in your system, share this with the part and see how they react. You can let the part know you’re there to check in on them and see if there is anything they need. It could be to be there and listen, to give them a hug or to do something fun together.

Questions to ask:

How are you feeling?

Is there anything you need from me?

Some of our exiles may be babies and can’t talk yet. Pay attention to how they're showing up; are they calm and happy? See if you can be truly present with the part, showing it the Self energy you're feeling towards it and letting it communicate with you any way that it can, for example through emotions or images.

Commit to returning:

Once the check-in feels complete, you can let the part know that you will come back and visit them again the next day before saying goodbye.

What to do if you’re having difficulty going inside

Going inside and being with our parts outside therapy sessions can sometimes be tricky. If you don’t feel a strong connection with the exile, there are usually other parts that are blended with you. If your parts are not willing to relax back, it’s possible to connect with the exile through an activity. Think of what you enjoyed doing or what felt comforting to you around the age your exile is, and see if you can keep the part in mind as you do that activity. Alternatively, if you have a sense of where the exile is in your body, you can place a hand on that part of your body and let the part know you know that they’re there and that you’re thinking of them.

What to do if the exile is in distress or has been re-triggered

Occasionally burdens can return where they have not been fully witnessed or where they might have been re-triggered by something scary that has happened right after the work you did with them. If you feel enough Self energy present in your system, you can see if you can take the exile to a safe place, where they can wait for the next therapy session. You may sense desperation from the exile to be helped immediately, or you may sense other parts wanting to go in and rescue the exile. Let all the parts know that in order to help them properly, we need to do it in a safe way. Usually this is during a therapy session with your therapist that can guide you and hold space for all your parts. Clients are encouraged to reach out by email if experiencing ongoing distress.

If you’d like to explore IFS in a supportive setting, I offer IFS therapy online for clients internationally (Excluding Canada & the USA). You’re welcome to book a free consultation to see if working together feels right for you.