Unburdened Exiles: Checking in
Unburdening exiles through Internal Family Systems therapy is a transformative process that involves witnessing & retrieving the exile before helping it to release whatever burden (beliefs and emotions) it has been carrying as a result of past experiences. Following this deep work it is crucial we support your whole inner family to safely adapt to this change. Using a daily check-in to stay Connected with the unburdened part helps it to settle into it’s new relationship with you. If you become aware of an exile between your therapy sessions it is safest to wait until your next session where you can be supported to connect with it & ultimately offer it healing.
Checking in with a part that has been unburdened involves closing your eyes & sensing inside to see how the part is doing with the aim of consolidating the work done during the therapy session. The simple & brief (2 minute) practice detailed below makes it possible to follow through consistently by checking in with your part, every day, for 21 days. Using the Parts Companion meditations can be another great way of supporting a daily check-in practice. Showing up for our parts in this ongoing way strengthens the relationship & helps build trust in our own Self Leadership.
Check-in steps
1. Go inside:
Sit or lay down somewhere comfortable & close your eyes. See if you can return back to the scene where you left your newly unburdened part. Normally this is a safe place that your part chose for themselves, either real or imaginary. If you're not visual, you can use conscious touch to connect with the part, such as placing your hand on your heart or anywhere that you can sense the part’s presence in or around your body.
2. Check for Self energy:
Self energy shows up as a sense of Compassion, Connection or Curiosity or any of the 8C’s. The goal is to have some Self energy present before you connect with your part. When you see or sense your unburdened part, check how you're feeling towards them. If there are other parts present, ask them to give you some space.
3. Connect with your part:
Once you feel some Self energy in your system(any of the 8C’s) share this with your part & see how they react. Let them know you’re there to check in on them & see if there is anything they need. They might just want you to be there & listen, to give them a hug or to do something fun together.
4. Questions to ask:
How are you feeling? Is there anything you need from me?
Some of our young parts may be babies & pre-verbal. Pay attention to how they're showing up; are they light & happy? See if you can be truly present with your part, showing them the Self energy you're feeling towards them & letting them communicate with you in any way that feels right, for example through emotions, sensations or images.
5. Commit to returning:
Once the check-in feels complete, you can let your part know that you will be back to visit them again tomorrow. Say goodbye & then take a moment to wriggle your fingers & toes & reorient yourself to the room you’re in or the ground beneath you.
What to do if you’re having difficulty going inside
Going inside & being with our parts beyond therapy sessions can sometimes be tricky. If you don’t feel a strong connection with an unburdened part, there are usually other parts becoming blended with you. If your parts are not willing to relax back, it’s possible to connect with the unburdened part through an activity. Think of what you enjoyed doing or what felt comforting to you around the age your young part is & see if you can keep them in mind as you do that activity. Alternatively, if you have a sense of where they are in your body, you can place a hand there & let the part feel your presence directly, letting them know that you’re thinking of them.
What to do if the exile is in distress
Occasionally burdens can return where they have not been fully witnessed or where they might have been re-triggered by something scary that has happened right after an unburdening session. If you feel enough Self energy present in your system you can see if you can take the exile to a safe place until the next therapy session. You may sense desperation from the exile to be helped immediately, or you may sense other parts wanting to go in & rescue the exile. Let all your parts know that in order to help them, we need to do it in a safe way. Usually this is done with your therapist that can guide you & hold space for all your parts. Clients are encouraged to reach out to Monica by text or email if experiencing ongoing distress.
If you’d like to explore IFS in a supportive setting, I offer IFS therapy online for clients across Australia or internationally (Excluding Canada & the USA). You’re welcome to book a free consultation to see if working together feels right for you.